My Personal Journey

Back by popular demand..

2009-10-08T10:08:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone!!

So glad to be back. Not that I ever went anywhere, just really stopped writing on here. I got to thinking that maybe I should start again. I kinda miss it, and even if no one reads it, gives me a chance to write, express my self, and share my thoughts and experiences.

I just re- read some of my blog entries from last year...wow, time flies! And boy, how awesome is GOD?? As I read a few of the entries, it amazed me how much has changed, and how much we have grown, and what we went through was all part of HIS plan, not that I ever doubted that at all, but looking back you can see so much of what I didn't know then.

Although, we have not yet had a baby of our own. Our journey to have kids, was still in HIS plan.

Many times people wonder why, bad things happen to good people, or why does GOD allow certain things to happen. I always wondered that at times myself. It was not until I went through the loss of the baby, that I even questioned this very thing. Through this loss and experience, we have been blessed with so much more then we could of imagined.

You see, we started attending our church in fall of 2007. We had the loss of the baby in January of 2008. "All things work together for good, for those who love HIM"... I found this out first hand. I merely thought at the time we were going through this to grow in HIM, by that I mean leaning on HIM for guidance, comfort, strength, answers...and it did...we drew closer to HIM, he built us up, HE brought us through. We would of never been able to go through this, without HIM...I couldn't of imagined doing this on my own, months earlier prior to God being a "part" of my life.

It amazes me how awesome HE is...how He is always RIGHT on time for everything.

Beyond the personal growth DJ and I experienced, we did not realize what else HE had in store for us at the time.

We became involved in our churches youth department, starting building relationships with the young people of our church. I remember stating ..."I will never work with youth, I don't think I could do that"....well see that is exactly where God has a sense of humor....cause that is right where He placed us. Over the last year, my husband is now the youth "leader", and working on youth "pastor", and I have also been right there with him. We have attended many youth outings, hosted game nights every Sat night at our home for a year straight, youth conferences, and even started monthly youth services, which include skits and other things we put together. You see, we could not see the "big" picture, what God had in store for us.

God opened our eyes through the loss of that baby, although that baby never lived here on earth, it still was created for a purpose. In which you are too, whether it be for a moment in the womb of a mother, or 100 years on earth. God has called us all for something great, that baby drew us closer to GOD, seeking direction for our lives more. He then blessed us because of our faithfulness, and blessed us with countless "spiritual" children. That for the last year, we have had a hand in teaching and directing, loving and looking after. You see we may not of got the "one" we desired, but in turn, God thought that much of us, to give us "many" children.

Had we actually had the baby, the baby would be just over a year old now. 13 months to be exact. We would of never..never...been able to do what we were called by GOD to do, with those kids had we had that baby. You see, he knew all along, when we were going through it, we had to just trust HIM, and doing so...he blessed us with so much more then we could of ever imagined. We love all our children!!!

If you can take anything from this, please take this.... We are all created for a purpose, for a specific purpose to fulfill what GOD has called us to do. Walk in faith, seeking that purpose and desire a relationship with him, he desires one with you!! In times of "storms" know that God has a plan, and when we get to the other "side" of it, we can look back and see GOD's hand in it, and PRAISE him for all he does, and who HE is!! Be blessed!!

Love you all

Teresa

For those of you who say.....

2008-08-15T09:58:00.001-04:00

For those of you who doubt me- for those of you who underestimate me- for those of you who question my intentions, and my compassion I would like to say this—

As of late, I have been extremely attacked by the enemy, he is pretty good and finding exactly what pushes my buttons, exactly the situations, people, and actions of others, that will send me right over the edge- sometimes spiraling out of control- in my head, where the doubts, discouragement, even at times bitterness sets in.

Many do not know my story and the back ground of my life- those of you who do, know why I so struggle with thoughts, and actions of others- Up until recently I would never blame, or give my past any credit for who I was, who I use to be, or who I am going to become. You would never here me use it as an excuse, for my actions, my thoughts, or my behaviors- But recently, I have realized by not acknowledging the fact that it has affected me in ways I need to correct, adjust, and change- by not giving my past any credit, I was in turn, still not acknowledging things I may need to deal with, that I did not even realize, at even at this point may not realize I need to deal with.

My love for people, being around people, helping people, and showing people how I can so relate to them, in so “real” situations, is how I identify with people. People who know what it is like to struggle, to be in abusive situations, to be in bad relationships, the list goes on and on for me. I so “get” so many people, and I know that personal struggle people have when going through situations such as those I described, we all have a story, I understand that, I am not anyone “special” by any means, however, relating to others is so important to me. I want to use Thomas as an example- what an amazing young man he is- and he has so much potential- but he also has a lot of issues as well- which I can “relate” to- at times people, especially people who may not know his background, can easily “not get” Thomas, and Thomas immediately gets defensive, much like me- “you don’t understand”- “you don’t know how to handle me”- I can so relate to his “nobody get’s me attitude”-when people get to really know him- they love him---but he gets very defensive when he feels he was attacked for no reason- or he feels like someone is trying to “show him up” so to speak- he wants to feel worthy and substitutes it with negative behavior if he feels he is not getting it- Not the “I am so right” or the “I know it all” attitude that so many people can have and turn people in the opposite direction of what we all are trying to accomplish, which is sharing the GOOD NEWS of JESUS CHRIST- (I used him as and example)

To label me as uncaring, uncompassionate, would be a huge misrepresentation of who I am as a person. To anyone who truly knows me, would truly know my heart- and that I would do anything for anyone- there is more to me then meets the eye, and sometimes I think people truly underestimate me ability to think, care, and question my intent on things- without finding the depth of the situation at hand.

I am finding more and more lately, my discouragement is coming from those around me, underestimate my abilities to make decisions on logic and compassion- instead of one or the other. In every aspect of my life!! Going back to my past, I am realizing that God is trying to help me deal with people and situations, that may challenge me in every way, especially dealing with how I react to things- my reaction is very defensive, when I feel people label me as “uncompassionate” that is a personal blow to me, on who I truly am in Christ. Distinguishing between right and wrong in someone’s else’s eyes is always a challenge- I believe in showing love and grace, forgiveness, mercy, but I believe in people needing to be held accountable for their actions as well- I believe people grow by that, I believe that we would do people a huge dis-service by allowing them to not be held responsible for actions or decisions made- in my past- I see how discouraged I got when people, judged me, or even fellow Christians would do things, that I began to question “how could they…they clamed to be Christians”- my thought process of how people should or should not act, especially as Christians were huge in my head- where I find now the devil is certainly trying to get that hold on me again- I know I am not the one to hold people accountable, or even question- especially on things in my past- I have forgiven the things of my past- however, the events that took place, have over time engrained a way of thinking that I need to change, about people and situations- my heart and my desire is be a POSITIVE person, for GOD, for myself, for the youth, for my co-workers- for all those around me, even those who I have yet to meet- so that I can be that light, so they may see the LOVE of CHRISTS, through me---

I am one of the most determined people you will meet, normally more so when I feel like an underdog, or feel underestimated- I have felt like that through my life- and have prevailed through JESUS—( I think he roots for the underdog J) I know that my experience in life thus far, has a meaning and a purpose, I know I am going to make a difference in someone’s life, and hopefully it is a lot of “someone’s”- finding strength and courage and confidence is a slow process for me, and I am getting there, and honestly the “distractions” that the enemy is playing with me, with the conversations, attitudes, and judgment of me from those around me lately, has made me angry and the devil and has lit a fire, in me that is going to back fire on him- Because I am more determined to be who CHIRST is calling me to be, and showing the devil, and maybe even those around me—I am better then you give me credit for- I am a leader, and victorious through JESUS CHRIST alone. My strength comes from HIM- he will guide me through the doors and experiences that lie ahead- in every aspect of my life- I am ready for that!

And for those of you who say……..

Let me just say “I can do all things through JESUS CHRIST”--------J

I encourage anyone or everyone to really reflect on are they really “showing the love of Christ” through there words, actions, attitude, even emails?? Would someone know you are a Christian, on how you respond, act, or handle situations….I know I have struggled with this lately, but sometimes looking within is the first place to start, before you start pointing the finger at others-- are you doing what you can to make a difference in someone’s life, are you practicing what you preach?

I have no idea what propelled me to right this, I have no idea why I decided to put myself out there, and let people who I don’t ordinarily share with- I just felt this was on my heart- and felt like sharing it in my blog-

God Bless
Love you all- please keep me in your prayers as I continue to work on things within myself- to be a better person in CHRIST-

Any advice, help, or anything to help me learn and grow in response to this- is gladly accepted-

Welcome to another month----

2008-07-07T11:42:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone- I have not been keeping up on this like I should-
In all honesty I think the frustration has gotten the better of me- the story has been "welcome to another month"-- each month comes and goes, cycle to cycle--- with each new month I have been optimistic and thought "this is my month"- I am still waiting on that--- to happen.....

Everyone around me right now is in the mist of having a child- my only brother and his wife just gave birth to a little boy- my older sister, was surprised with a pregnancy and is due in September with a little boy- two of my co-workers are pregnant, one which is due 3 days after my original due date with my tubal pregnancy- - I try to keep a brave face, a happy heart, and a joyful attitude, but sometimes it is very difficult to keep positive month after month-- I am wondering if this is suppose to happen or not-- all in God's time - I know- Sometimes I just wish I could know either way so I can just accept and move on- either way -

Keep on trying--- that is all I can do---- keep me in your prayers- and pray that GOD have HIS way in this situation-

We finally got our pool up, whew, that was hard work! But let me tell you, it was worth every drop of sweat to get it up though- we have already had a blast in it! Vacation to Florida is coming up in August and I can not wait-- I have been all over, but never to Florida--- hot and humid, that is right up my alley- I can not wait!!! We are truly blessed with a great family!!!

Off for now- try and update this more-- hopefully with some good news soon!!

Much love to you all!
T

IT HAS BEEN TO LONG!!

2008-05-05T08:24:00.003-04:00

Praise the LORD!
Today is a beautiful sunshiny spring day!!!!

My flowers are blooming and summer is right around the corner! So awesome! I love this time of year!!

So it has been WAY TO LONG- since I wrote...and I guess I did not really realize how many people actually come to read, what has been going on with me. I hope that through my words others find strength and courage- for whatever they face in their life!

So here is an update on how things have been going-

We all know that I had my surgery for the tubal on January 22, so after that it took about 6 weeks for my cycle to get back on track. So that was early March- of corse we jumped right back into trying as soon as we could. Now only having one tube, I never know what side I am going to ovulate on from month to month- I am hoping March was the left side, because obviously nothing came from that month. We just finished cycle 2, and hoping for a positive result here within the next couple weeks.. This is the worst part, that two week wait after you ovulate. It is like time stands still. Last month I could hardly wait, buying pregnancy tests after 9 days since ovulation, but was sadly disappointed in the end. This month I am going to try not to focus on it to much. But sometimes that is a bit easier said then done. I know that whatever happens, it is God's plan, not mine-

With every little twinge, on the right side, I am thinking..it worked...but then the fear of it being stuck in my right tube starts to come into my head...I don't want to loose that side too!!!
Then I have to do a "ok Teresa, positive thinking check" on myself- No since in worrying about what I can not control, if it is in the tube, it is in the tube..right? God will work all that out, and I will end of fulfilling what I am destine to do for HIM- so that is what keeps me going!!!

So I will update again on how the next couple weeks play out.....keep praying ..happy baby thoughts!!

Love ya all!
Teresa

Happy Happy...Resurrection Weekend!

2008-03-21T07:59:00.005-04:00

What a wonderful day it is today! Good Friday-
To think that Jesus gave His life for all of us- so that we may be forgiven from our sin-

Sometimes I sit and ponder and meditate on this very day, many, many years ago- What is must of been like.

I think of all the hard times I have been through in my life- and yet all those added up, could not even touch or compare to what Jesus must of went through, and to think HE did it for me, and for you! Wow- it is very humbling to even entertain the thought! The pleading He, himself did to the Father in Heaven- "Lord, if it be your will, let this cup pass"- the humiliation he had to go through- stripped and beaten, and ultimately nailed to a cross- FOR US!!! What more can HE give? He gave His life-- for you and for me!

There is great joy in knowing that He HAS Risen- that he is alive and well- that he is here with us, around us, and watching us- there is comfort in knowing- that He is waiting to call us all home-

My prayer today is that people will come to know HIM- today- this weekend- that people will be touched, and moved. He is so amazing-

Have a WONDERFUL and BLESSED weekend-
May God touch your hearts-
Love
~T~

Bring on the Sunshine!

2008-03-10T15:16:00.005-04:00

UPDATE..UPDATE...UPDATE!

Hope the few peaks of sunshine we have had the last few days, is keeping everyone in good spirits....I am so ready for summer, I could easily skip spring..bring on the heat!!!

Things here are going great!

DJ has been traveling a bit the last month or so, which kinda makes things a bit hard for what we are trying to accomplish, but we are confident it will all work out, how God wants it too!

I finally have gone through my first cycle since the surgery. It seemed like forever to get here. The doc said it could take 4-6 weeks post surgery before I actually had a cycle. Boy, 6 weeks and 2 days later...nothing like waiting to the last second to show up....but finally. Now maybe we can get a routine back and start pin pointing ovulation again...fun fun...who knew this would be so difficult!!!???!!!

Kayla will be starting softball here shortly, and we will be constantly on the go- with Bailey in gymnastics and more serious commitments at church, we will be non- stop!!

Speaking of church- things are awesome. We are growing and learning in the Lord constantly. We as a family have grown so much in such a short time, I am amazed at what HE has done for us. We are helping with the youth more, DJ is more then I- he has been called to help teach them, and I am thinking even pastor them, but I won't jump the gun on that-- I think he knows that is what he has been called to do, just scared to say it- but he is teaching the middle- school and high school kids when he can- he loves it- and really wants to help them grow in GOD, and prepare them for the joys of life.....so it should be interesting! We are excited for what is going to happen..I wish I could peak into the future....although I know I probably would not be able to even comprehend where I will be...that in itself it exciting!

We finally got the truck fixed. Boy that was a bill...but God provided and we are able to have two vehicles again--which is nice!

So that is really it for now- keep us in your prayers--

Lots of love
~T~

BE STRONG IN THE LORD

2008-02-22T08:34:00.002-05:00

This blessed me today- and I hope it blesses you as well-
It reminds us that even in times of despair we can be strong in the Lord- we can have joy- joy in HIM- knowing HIM- Living for HIM- obeying HIM- and on and on....as long as we live in HIS joy- think positive- the enemy can not attack us- or take that joy---have a blessed day!!!
This has reminded me that standing strong in the LORD will overcome- even your darkest days!
God bless you all!

Today's Scripture (this if from a daily email I get from Joel Osteen)

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power” (Ephesians 6:10).

Everyone has times when they feel weak or discouraged in life. But you don’t have to live that way! You can be strong in the Lord and in His power. You don’t have to walk around defeated and depressed. You can have joy today! In fact, the Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. God’s joy isn’t based on circumstances. It isn’t based on the news, the stock market or the housing economy. God’s joy is based on Him. When you think about what He’s done for you—that He’s given you life, that He’s cast your sins as far as the east is from the west—you can’t help but get happy! You can’t help but have joy inside of you. That supernatural joy on the inside of you is supernatural strength. The enemy can’t take away what God has given you deep on the inside. So put a smile on your face today and rejoice in the Lord no matter what battles you may be facing. The joy of the Lord will give you strength, and you’ll live the life of victory God has promised you!
A Prayer for Today
Heavenly Father, thank You for joy which strengthens! Thank you for empowering me today no matter what I may be facing. Fill my heart with Your supernatural joy so I can stand strong in all things. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

A day of LOVE!!!

2008-02-14T15:50:00.002-05:00

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYBODY!!!!

All these years it has always been about people in this world that I express my love to on this day....today I want to say....

I LOVE YOU LORD!!!!

Ahh-- that felt good----

Love you all and thanks for all the LOVE and support you have given me--
I truly care and LOVE all of you....thanks for taking an intrest in me and my family---friends, family, and strangers....

Happy V- day

Love
~T~

God is good!

2008-02-04T08:03:00.000-05:00

Good morning bloggers!!! How is everyone??

I feel refreshed today- not as if I got a good night sleep- just a peace about me.
God is so good! He has carried me through!! Yet again- wow-- I feel so blessed that HE thinks enough of me, to challenge me, to put me through things that some may not be able to handle, who may have given up, gotton angry, been resentful, lost hope or lost faith!

The last few days, I have felt this peace. This presecnce about myself- like an unexplained excitement, a restful peace, and just thankful for all I DO HAVE.

I can feel myself changing, I can see how I have grown. It is amazing that I have a GOD that cares that much about me. That still calls my name daily- my prayer is that everyone can experience this feeling, that everyone can experience the love and mercy of GOD- the forgiveness that HE brings to us, the Blessings, what a joy it is! I am truly blessed, for all I have, my family, my home, my job etc. But mostly I feel humbled, and blessed that HE loves me so much, that I have an AWESOME GOD!

DJ and I are really excited about new and exciting journey's GOD is pointing us in- we will be helping out with the youth at our church- and we planned an upcoming trip to Grand Rapids to the Acquire the Fire concert/program there- it should be a lot of fun and the teens are really looking forward to it. We are excited in trying to build these kids up in the LOVE of CHRIST-

DJ is currently out of town until Friday for work- he more then likely will be out of town for about a week a month- which is bitter sweet. I miss him terribly when he is gone, we want to get back to "trying" and I hope that 10 days a month is not interference with that whole ovulating thing- the money will be good- but sometimes life is more then money! (although we need it, wish it did not take leaving town to get)

The girls are doing great-
Sam got straight A's on her report card- she is doing so awesome at school and I am so proud of her! Kayla has started up basketball, and this is her first year playing. One of the teachers talked her into playing because of her height- tonight is her first game- so we will see how that goes- Bailey is Bailey- just the go with the flow kinda girl- gymnastics and that is all she really cares about- doing well in school and her reading is improving! They are all such good well behaved girls--for the most part....they do have their moments...

For me- I am doing good- better with each day-- sometimes it is hard with all that is in my face as a constant reminder--but God is giving me strength--
I am learning patience, gaining strength, and holding stronger and stronger on to my faith--- how can you not think of that as a Blessing?

Love you all
Teresa

Staying above water!

2008-01-29T13:27:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! I know I have not been on in awhile to post how I have been doing, but I am back and ready for whatever today brings!

I am feeling better physically, and even emotionally. This was really hard to go through and through the highs and lows it proved to be a challenge, I could feel the ground beneath me shaking and I knew I had to CHOOSE whether or not to keep my feet planted or to fall in the cracks.

I really want to thank everyone who has been supporting us. The prayers for me and my family! I thank you- the words of encouragement, that has brought smiles to my face when I desperately needed one, or hope to my soul when I was loosing it- I wish I could thank people individually, but that would take all day- the emails, the comments on my blog, the strangers who I don't even know who have read and prayed for me, Thank YOU--- you really don't realize how many people actually care about you, until you go through something where it shows- and I thank GOD for the church I am in. Every day it becomes so much clearer to me, why HE has placed me at this specific church- I can not say that I know my purpose, or what I am suppose to specifically do there for HIM, but I do know that HE has placed me somewhere that I feel like I belong and just fit.

Many of you don't know, but leading up to attending HIS PLACE, I had been struggling on really fitting into church and where I should be, there was no desire and really no relationship there either. I have known who GOD was and in and out of church throughout my life. I had been baptized and thought I had it all figured out. But not until HE placed me at HIS PLACE did I come to realize how much I had been missing, how much I did not know, how much I had placed conditions and expectations on people and churches. God is dealing with me in ways I can only say, THANK YOU..I do not understand, but I am learning to let go and not always having to understand. My outlook on life, my life----- I can not THANK GOD enough for the work HE is doing on me- I have a long, long, way to go- and still struggle DAILY- the devil is tearing at me- fighting for me- and I feel that right now - I am on shaky ground- HE is preparing me to go to the next "level" is how I want to look at-

There is a lot going on in my mind- in my life, the pregnancy, things in my home life, the truck not working, things adding up and I feel overwhelmed- I still need prayer- I think GOD is preparing me for something BIG, and I need all this to get there, although I wish it would pass, sooner then later, cause at times I feel weak and ready to throw in the towel- it would be so easy to get angry at all this, pain and suffering- not only what I have been through but what I am currently going through- I need strength, I need prayer, and I need to be an over comer- sometimes my challenge is HOW LORD? How much more can I take? -- Cause sometimes I can't understand , why? I have had enough in 30 years to last a lifetime- can I bear it all?
I know that HE will never give me more then I can handle, but I am so fragile right now and I have to overcome this- I have come to far to let the devil win now- I will overcome- and I can not wait to see what is on the other side, of this valley- I know GOD has good things planned for me- as long as my focus stays on HIM- I do not loose sight of what is ahead, my goals, my purpose- I CHOOSE HIM TODAY-

Please continue to keep me in your prayers- us in your prayers- DJ and I need it, our family needs it. I am in desperate need- emotionally- I am struggling- yet- I know where I am headed- that gives me HOPE and COMFORT-

GOD BLESS

Oh - and a little side note-
We will be "trying" again- I am excited about the future!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

2008-01-23T09:30:00.000-05:00

Hey all, its DJ!

Teresa asked me to share a quick update while she is resting........

Teresa went into surgery yesterday morning. The doctor could not see the pregnancy due to a blood clot that had formed around it. He stated that she should have been in severe pain. Once he cleared away the blood, he found the pregnancy in the tube and the tube was very stretched and bulging. He removed the pregnancy and due to the damage, he had to remove the left tube as well. He did test the right tube to ensure it is open and working properly. He said it is very short and he cannot give us a confident answer as to whether or not it is sufficient for her to get pregnant again.

Overall it was a sad morning, but a joyous day. We are sad for the loss, the disappointment of what could have been, but we know that "all things work together for good, to them that love Him." We have joy knowing that this is God's plan. This fits perfectly into what He has outlined for our lives. We rejoice in our pain because we feel His arms around us, His Spirit comforting us. He brings us peace through His love.

We also rejoice for the work He has been doing in our lives, and for the wisdom of His timing. If we had gone through these hardships 4-5 months ago, we would have been absolutely miserable. We would be crying out for reasons. We would be angry, depressed, guilt ridden. We wouldn't know how to handle it, how to deal with it, were to turn.
But God placed us in a church where we have grown to know Him. A place where people serve Him and through their service, love us. The prayers, love support, and encouragement from our brothers and sisters in Christ have been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I can say from the depths of my heart that I felt the love of Christ through their words, hugs, and tears. We also have parents that pray for us continuously. Parents who long for us to seek God's will. To seek God's purpose in every situation.

Knowing that we were not going through this alone. Knowing that God was there, through the entire process, by our side, holding our hands, at times holding us up, and at times carrying us - knowing that others where there as well, kept us strong and helped us get through this difficult time.

We praise God for the wonderful blessing we have in our life. We praise Him for the three healthy girls we have, girls that are learning about God's love, and His power. Girls that are beginning to long for and seek after Him. We praise Him that Teresa did not have to suffer much pain, and that the technician found what she did when she did, so Teresa's life was not in danger. We praise God for the possibility of future pregnancy(ies), no matter how slight the doctor's confidence, we praise God for our confidence is in Him.

I want to thank everyone who has written, commented, emailed, called, and prayed for us over the last few weeks. Your words have brought strength and encouragement when it was so desperately needed. I know that I have grown closer to God through this time, and I see the growth in Teresa's life as well. That alone is worthy of us praising Him.

We thank God for all of you and we hold you in our prayers, and we ask that you join us is giving God prayers of praise and thanksgiving today for the blessings He has given us.

We love you all,
DJ

I will PRAISE you in this storm...

2008-01-21T17:11:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone- got an update and some answers for everyone.

I wish that I could scream and shout and tell everyone everything is fine, however this is not one of those messages.

I had my appointment at 1:50 and they did the ultra sound, still nothing visible. The doctor wanted me to feel comfortable with what was happening, and give me every opportunity to ask questions, get a second opinion, and think about what I wanted to do. He told me that it was looking more and more like an ectopic pregnancy, he sent me over to Lakeland Hospital for an ultra sound there, and the tech took her time looking closely at the monitor. I could sense at one point, she may have seen something that the others had not. DJ and I patiently waited for them to come back in, and she had me talk to my doctor over the phone. He broke the news to me, that she found something, it was just in the wrong place. She found something in my left tube. Although, I kinda had that feeling the past few days, with the mild aches on that side, it was the confirmation of it all. Finally, the limbo and waiting was over, so a bit of relief took over my body. I am choosing to PRAISE God in this situation, I am trying to find every angle of why this happened, for the positive and not the negative. I am sad that I will lose this baby, I am sad that I will never get to see this baby in this life, but I am so happy that I know one day I will. I know that GOD is watching over this baby, and that GOD had a better plan for it then I. I now know I have at least one angel, right? My God is an awesome GOD, and I told Him that I would PRAISE HIM IN THIS STORM, no matter that outcome, and that is what I will do. I broke the other day, I felt beaten. I have been getting messages from strangers about my blog, how I have given others a sense of hope, even messages saying that they themselves have drawn closer to God. I myself have leaned on HIM more, prayed more, and drawn closer to Him, and I BELIEVE that is what this whole thing is about. If this situation has brought one person closer to GOD, or even to GOD, then it is all worth it. I am in a "transition", God is building me, my Faith and even my character. I am still human, and the pain emotionally is there, I hurt, I mourn, I still have all those feelings, but I have the feeling of ....ahhh, o.k. God that was not easy, I had no control over the situation, I had to have patience, and the only one to lean on was you!

Dear Angel-
Even though I never saw you, held you, or knew your name. I felt you, your presence inside me. I prayed for you, and left you in the hands of GOD. I asked Him to hold you in the palm of his hand and place you where HE wanted you. Know that we wanted you, and we love you. Know that I believe, that even if we never got to see your heartbeat, or your fingers and toes, that we know you existed and will never forget you. God has mighty good plans for us all, and I believe that. Be strong, be free, and I love you.

Love
Mommy

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us. That means alot, knowing that people care. This is just the beginning of a great journey ahead. You better believe, that as soon as I recover, we will be trying again. We have not and will not give up or lose hope.

Surgery is scheduled for tomorrow at Lakeland Outpatient Services on Hollywood Rd. I have to be there at 10:30 a.m. and the surgery will be at 11:30. It takes about an hour or a little more. Depending on how I do in recovery, as soon as I feel well I will be able to go home.
I am scared, ready to get it over with, but mostly sad. I will be fine and pull out of this on top!

God Bless!

I will update post surgery as soon as I feel up to it.

Love
Teresa

Even the "strong" break...

2008-01-20T08:32:00.000-05:00

My mind- oh my mind!

Here I am trying to be strong, trying to be so full of positive thinking, faith, and belief of good things to come. Yet as soon as those thoughts stop, here comes the doubt, the fear, the unknown.

Letting go of the situation, looking for answers, looking for someone..anyone, to tell me it will be alright. I thought I had this Faith that was carrying me through, then I just broke last night.

All the doubt and fear, the thoughts of what is going to happen starting in my head again. What "if" I need this surgery, will it hurt? Will I be able to get pregnant again? How long is my recovery? Am I willingly choosing to kill a baby? What "if" - what "if"---terrible thoughts of what could happen-- sobbing, feeling miserable- here I feel so pregnant the signs of it all are so real, the breasts are sore, the mood swings, the occasional nausea- yet I don't want to loose any of it- and to think I may, to think that in an instant it can all be taken from me...brings me to the brink of loosing my mind, terrible sadness, and I just feel so zapped from it all.

I realized, DJ helped me realize that I truly am not letting God take control. I am looking for constant reassurance that it will be alright- an no-one here on earth can give me that assurance, so why do I keep looking? Is it me trying to have control, not really willing to say "here God, this is all you"? One minute I feel as though I have done that, yet the next I am questioning everything in my head, am I going crazy? That is how I felt last night, I felt, I just could not take this any longer. Something needs to happen, I need to know something.....God just help me, that your will be done, but do it sooner then later, cause I don't know how much "wondering" I can take. My mind is battling everything, and I try so hard to not let that doubt enter, but some how it always manages to sneak in there. Last night, it got me- but TODAY is a new day-

Dear Lord-
Today I pray a song of Praise to you, that I woke up this morning ready to praise you and give you thanks for the things I do have in my life. Thank you for a wonderful husband that you have given me, who has helped me through so much, who has been an inspiration of what I strive to be as a Christian living for you. I pray that you help me deal with this battle in my head, I pray thoughts of peace and joy. I pray that you take control of this situation. That I will find peace in whatever happens. That I can be a testimony to others, that I can be an inspiration to others-Lord I pray that you show me where you want me, show me what your desires are so that I can strive to fulfill those- I pray for all those who read this, Lord, that you bless them and strengthen them in their needs and desires. That you draw them closer to you.....
Lord be with me today in all me comings and goings, be with my family, and this baby inside of me, I know you hold it in the palm of your hand- place this baby where it will fulfill your will, whether in my belly or in your home. Thank you , Jesus-

May God be with you all today-
Keep praying, tomorrow we will have some answers I hope and I will keep everyone posted as I can.
Teresa

Thanks for the Prayers...

2008-01-19T16:01:00.000-05:00

I wanted to tell everyone, thank you so much for the words of wisdom, inspiration, hope, and most of all for keeping me and my family in your prayers.

Boy oh boy, God is really working on me. My mind is so consumed with this situation, I can not rest. Today was a step in the right direction. I was able to take a nap and sleep for a while.

All the pain seems to be gone and have not had cramps since Thursday mid- morning. Still believing they were a result of constipation. I have started to consume tons of apple juice to further avoid that again, wow I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with that, my gosh I had never experienced that if that was the true cause!!!

I have such a peace about this pregnancy and yet, the moment I think that. The enemy is trying to steal it from me. Placing doubt, confusion, what if's in my mind. Making me question what I feel. As everyday passes I feel more and more pregnant, and the uncertainty of the pregnancy weighs on me. I could be carrying a healthy little bean, yet it could be in the wrong place. Did you know that they consider taking the methotrexate and or having surgery, is abortion? Oh my gosh, that has been killing me. The thought that I would have to make that choice, even consider it is tearing up inside. My life could depend on how long I wait, so do I wait cause I feel so at peace? Do I take a chance?

I sat down with a calendar yesterday and started to figure dates, and days, and how far along I could actually be. According to my last period, that would put me at 8 weeks according to the doctor's little round due date predictor. I know in my heart that is NOT accurate at all. So I guessed based on the last possible day I could of conceived and that would be around December 17-19th- , which would also be considered "day of ovulation", normally you would start your period 14 days after that- so I added 14 days on to that and should of started my period on Dec 31- would put me 39 days past my last period- which my cycles were running - 32 days- 38days-32 days- 47 days-38 days- so this could be pretty accurate and explain the negative test on January 1st- that was only 19 days ago- which puts me right around 4 weeks- which would make sense why they can not see anything via ultra sound. Some times I wonder if I am just grasping at straws because I want this so bad, trying to make logical sense of it all. The only dilemma I have with my logic is that the HCG levels at the 1717 I was on wed, and it should be higher on Thursday when I had my ultra sound, is that at that level you should see something-? Ugh, I am hoping my levels have again gone up, and Monday brings some better news.

I am so afraid to deal with this situation on what my heart and soul is telling me- I feel so good about this pregnancy- that it may be to early- all along I have felt as though this baby was NOT in my tubes, but am I just in denial and afraid of what the truth is? See how my mind is in a constant battle?

I have been blessed today with no pain, no symptoms, and able to get a nap in. God is truly dealing with me, my faith, my patience, my strength, my commitment to Him. The enemy is on the other side pulling and fighting, and I feel the spiritual warfare going on in my head- I just want rest and peace, I trust in the Lord-

Somebody told me to read Jeremiah 29:11 the other day and I never looked it up, as I woke up this morning that came to mind. I grabbed my Bible and began to read "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me, and go and pray to Me and find Me, when you search for me with your whole heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord and I will bring you back from captivity;...." This has been my strength today, and I knew that today I was to go and pray, and so we did...thanks to those who prayed with us, and for us!
I have been blessed today, thank the Lord for His mercy and grace!

I really thank you all for the support and prayers. May God Bless you all!

Always in love
Teresa

Hanging in there...

2008-01-17T15:44:00.000-05:00

Hey fellow bloggers- hope this finds you in good spirits, if it does send a little my way...I need just a pinch!

Ok, so I am hanging in there, but barely. I could not imagine going through this without the Lord in my life! He is where I am getting the little bit of strength I have to keep pushing forward and looking upward and not down.

So I switched doctors and went and saw a doctor at South Shore Woman's Clinic in Stevensville. They were really nice and informative there, and I really felt I was getting honest and sincere answers to all my questions.

My last lab work came back at 1717, which did not quite double since the 1080 on Monday- but was a pretty good increase. The doctors in Kalamazoo wanted me to start the methotroxate (spelling?) which is a drug used on cancer patients. I had my last lab done yesterday up at Bronson and while sitting there, I began to feel like I was going to pass out, and started to get cramps. I was alone, with DJ being out of town I had drove myself. I walked out to the car, and thought I was going to die, I was about to pass out, and cramping to where I could hardly move. I stayed in the parking lot until I knew the threat of me totally passing out left. I made it home, and tried to ease my mind, and relax. I had a feeling these might be constipation cramps, although I never had that happen before(sorry if I am grossing anyone out), it seemed to ease as the day went on and a few trips to the bathroom. I had an appointment today, so I was trying to just make it to today without freaking out. I woke up with more cramps, and continued drinking tons of apple juice, which helped alot. By mid- morning the cramping and bathroom trips seemed to stop. Just in time for my first appointment with my new doctor.

The doctor did the ultra sound, and could not see a gestational sac, which with a level of 1717, should now be visible. Which is yet another disappointment for us. DJ has been out of town since Wednesday morning and I have been dealing with this and the kids on my own, when you can barely walk it proved to be a challenge last night. At this point, it is looking like a tubal pregnancy. He did find some fluid behind the cervix and says it could be insignificant or it could be a tubal pregnancy that has mis-carried in the tube and can be leaking blood, but that would be accompanied by pain. He said my pain should be pretty consistent, which it is not. The pain has been gone since this morning, and I feel great with the exception of the emotional toll this has taken on me. How do I feel in my heart this will be fine, yet everything is going against what I feel?

So anyway, the scoop is this. At this point, one more blood count tomorrow. If the numbers are still doubling that means a viable or "good" pregnancy is happening, however, that means more then likely it is in the tube, because nothing is visible in the uterus. If the numbers do not double then that means a non viable pregnancy either in the tube or uterus, but since the ultra sound did not show anything, then more then likely it is in the tube. The doctor will do one last ultra sound Monday before determining what the next step should be. If it turns out to be in the tube, he is suggesting doing the Laproschapy surgery and not the methrotroxite, this way he can try and save the tube, as well as check the other tube. Due to me having the reversal surgery the methrotoxiate will kill the tissues in the tube and your body will absorb it- however surgery will let them see if the pregnancy occurred at the place of where the tubes were put back together, and will help us eliminate future ectopic pregnancy, and while in there he wants to check the other side to verify I have at least one healthy tube to improve my chances of conception! Ughh, so much heartache- emotionally challenging this has been. After Monday, and if nothing is seen we may be looking at surgery sometime next week, with it being ectopic, they want to get to it before it bursts the tube, so keep PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE!!

At this moment, 4:09 p.m. on Thursday, the cramps have sub-sided. DJ can not get a fight until tomorrow morning from Pennsylvania, so may be driving 9 hours home tonight to be with me in case of an emergency. I feel great, but that changes at a moments notice. Right now, we are praying for a miracle, that Monday we will see how GOD intervened and we see a little speckle of hope in that uterus!! I must say, I have three girls and if this baby is here in 9 months, I can guarantee you it is a boy, leave it to a man to put you through so much...LOL...

Keep the prayers, and keep your chins up, if I can do it, you can do it to. Trust in the Lord, and let HIS will be done!

Much love,
Teresa

Update...

2008-01-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

The latest news-

I went and got my lab work done, where the took about 5 tubes of blood- the ultra sound still showed nothing. She checked the tubes to see if they were dialated and they were not. No sign of anything in the uterus. The doctor came in, and this was my first time meeting him. I must say first impressions you can never get back. I simply just did not care for him or how he addressed us. He simply told us in a nut shell, he did not know what was going on, I would miscarry, or this is etopic and they want to watch my HCG level and if it does not decrease like it should, then put me on medication (metha - something..what they give cancer patients) This will clean out the tube if the pregnancy is in the tube. However, everything that would point to a tubal pregnancy, it the opposite. I have no pain, the tubes were not dialted in the ultra sound.
He pretty much said that this is not a "normal" pregnancy.

However- I strongly feel that if he can not clearly say what is going on, I do not put much stock into that.

I got home and recieved a phone call from my doctor's assistant, the lab work from before the ultra sound came back. The HCG level had doubled. Which is normal. She clearly did not know how to council me either. She said that if it was etopic (tubal) the numbers would not have doubled, this is not common. HCG levels never decrease by half, then double 48 hours later. I am begining to question the orginal lab count of HCG level of 905- when I went Saturday, the same lady who took my blood, took it on Saturday. SHe said she had put my blood in the wrong tube, went on to say that it was "a good thing it came out o.k. so I did not have to come back"- now I am questioning if that number was really 905- You can not see anything on ultra sound until about 1500 HCG which would still explain no visble embryo yet- ??? Now my number was 500 on Saturday, it is now double to 1080. ???

I felt in my heart today that no matter the outcome I would be fine. I figured for sure if the doctors were correct, I would get the call of a decrease in the level, but a double??

So we just keep praying, I have no symptoms of miscarriage or ectopic. In 48 hours, I will take another test, check those levels again. Hopefully, these levels will have again doubled. Keep praying---

I love you all!
May this all be God's will!

Prayer Request

2008-01-14T07:25:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone! I kinda have been dreading this. But need to face it head on.

As most of you know, I went for an ultra sound last week. They were not able to see anything yet, they said it was to early or could be ectopic. They wanted to keep an eye on me. They sent me down to get a count of my HCG level, that came back at 900 and the progesterone level came back at about 16- Doc said normally for a tubal pregnancy that level would come back low, and now we had a baseline of the HCG level to go on, normally you can see the embryo on ultra sound with a level of 1500 or more, which is about 5 -6 weeks pregnant. So my doc had be go get my blood drawn again on Saturday, 48 hours after the first. Normally, the number should double. About an hour after the visit, the on call doctor called and said my HCG level had dropped down to 500. Which means miscarriage or ectopic is the case. He said within a couple days I should start bleeding, and take some Tylenol or motrin for discomfort. I don't remember much of the conversation, I got hot and sweaty and felt as though I was going to pass out. We had just come from lunch and went to the mall to find me some new shirts, lucky I found a chair to sit on as the doctor continued to talk. I even had to walk outside, I was just so sick. I had another ultra sound scheduled for today, so he wants me to go early get a third HCG level taken, and do the ultra sound. I am praying that those levels went back up, and that GOD has intervened. I have FAITH that whatever happens, will be HIS will and not mine. He knows my wants, and our desires. But if it is not in HIS plan, or for HIS purpose at this exact time, then I will be an over comer, I will continue to pray and trust in HIM. I will not let this stop, put a halt to, or discourage my walk with GOD. I need to walk by FAITH, live in LOVE, and TRUST in HIM. He will work this out.

Oddly enough, we had a Saturday night service. I had a whole church praying for me, laying hands on me- I have never felt so humble, WE never felt so humbled that people would care enough to pray.. There is only one "being" that knows what is going on inside my body, and only one "being" who can fix it- I am in no pain, I have not started to bleed, I feel great- today we will see the results of the latest tests....everything is against us- the doctor said we will loose this baby, the Internet says we will loose this baby- but GOD is the ultimate PHYSICIAN and I trust in HIM today to do what HIS desires are- and not mine- I plead, and cry, and tell GOD what I want, but if it does not line up with HIS direction for us- then so be it- we will try again, and at HIS time it will be right- I have drawn closer to HIM- leaned on HIM, and maybe that is what HE wanted me to do- Please pray today, not for me as I go get blood taken, as I get an ultra sound, and I learn more about the fate of this pregnancy- but pray that the WILL of GOD be done, what He wants and not what I want- what HE desires, and not what I desire- pray that I overcome, with strength and with a HIGHER FAITH- that I lean on GOD in times of despair, and when I don't understand- I will be fine, no matter which way this goes. I know now that it is possible for me to get pregnant, right? I know that GOD will Bless us with a child or children in HIS time, now or later- keep faith and prayer!

I love you all and appreciate all your support- My appointment is today at 1 for the ultra sound, and before that I will get my blood drawn- miracles do happen- we just have to believe in them!

Love
Teresa

First Appointment...

2008-01-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

So the first appointment was this morning. It went well. It was with my regular family doctor, and we just sat and talked about due date, what to do and not to do, what to expect, and where I wanted to have the baby. She refereed me to a doctor up at Bronson. I think she likes it better then Lakeland, which if fine with me. I want the best. We are right between both hospitals so we could go either way.

My next appointment is with the nurse, on January 18th at 2 p.m. and here will be paperwork, and all the boring stuff, maybe even some blood work. Then on January 31st I will meet the doctor who will deliver the baby. Hopefully by then, we may have a heartbeat?? The official due date is August 28, 2008!!! I am still guessing a September baby, but we will see. We may be having an ultra sound shortly too, within the next week or two. Just waiting on the doctor to give the order to the nurse. My family doctor recommended it due to the fact of the tubal reversal and we want to be sure the baby is not in the tube. Then hopefully we will be in the all clear!

This is really exciting- I think it is so funny to watch DJ act so excited, but he trys so hard to not show it. I can see him just beaming, and it is really cool! August seems forever and a day away, but I know before you know it, we will be talking about how quick all this went!

I will update everyone as much as possible and as soon as possible, I hope everyone is as excited as we are. I ask that you keep us, the whole family, including new baby in your prayers. This will be an adjustment for the girls, and we have to remember them and to include them in this process too.

Wow- good way to start the year out...eh?

Love you all-
Teresa :)

2008-01-07T13:09:00.000-05:00

OK ...it is official-- blood test came in positive!!!! SO exciting, and scary!! Am I ready for all this agian??? So my first doctor's visit is this Wednesday at 8:15 in the morning- this is just with my regular doctor, just to get some advice, see what the next steps are and to find an OB GYN that we will feel comfortable with-!! I will keep everyone posted!!!

Appointment

2008-01-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

Going today for the blood work this afternoon and see the doc on Wednesday- just seeing what we need to do to make sure all is well- and not a tubal pregnancy-

!!!!

Let's see who's paying attention....

2008-01-05T13:51:00.000-05:00

So I just posted a blog yesterday, and thought for sure there is no baby on the way...I explained how crazy and far apart my periods have been...and even took a test about a week ago..and nothing...however I did take one today and..... I am pregnant!!!!! Now I don't want to get to excited because of what happened last month. However, this one was clearly a POSITIVE result with in seconds. No second guessing if there was a line or not... it was there! I am going to make a doctor's appointment first thing Monday, and get in and take a blood test to be sure! Hopefully it will confirm what we found out today. I am not going to go calling people and making this a big deal until we are 100% sure. This is the only place anyone will find out, so it will be interesting to see who is paying attention.... Wow..I don't know if I am in shock or just ..I don't know?? Is it real...? Gosh...I have felt sleepy lately, but no morning sickness, and feeling a little heavy up top if you know what I mean, and I just simply thought it was the bloating and symptoms of starting my period--- we will see...and I will keep you all updated....I will try and make an appointment first thing next week, so we will know soon...I think because I had the surgery, they will do an ultrasound pretty early on, to make sure the baby is not in the tubes and everything looks right-
WOW-- Can you believe it???

:)

Happy New Year!

2008-01-04T07:20:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

I am so excited for 2008! I can not wait to see what the big guy upstairs has plans for this year!! It should be an exciting one!

Reflecting on 2007- wow what a GREAT year of change and even challenge!

The surgery, the new church, and just the many directions GOD has taken us through out the year- the different emotions, the different mind sets, the different attitudes-- towards life, people, and even GOD- what a difference-

I wish I could grab people by the throat and just make them see the goodness that GOD brings into ones lives. The world is in such chaos these days, where you can not even turn on the TV without commercials and programming being a little over the top, young kids are rebellious, and have no understanding of faith of GOD- It is sad to see my loved ones so lost- and so against faith- Things just don't happen, miracles just don't happen--- God places those things in your life, hoping that one day you might recognize Him for what he has given you, and done for you- the greatest is shedding His blood for you- I can not comprehend how people can know that, read that, and just walk away, roll there eyes, and act as if the pain that was suffered, the great sacrifice HE made is just "no big deal"---I am not trying to get on a big "religious" kick here- for me it is not even about "religion" it is about having faith in God- I just wish people could see all this goodness in their life, did not come from them, it came from GOD- one day we will all have to answer to Him- and their will be a day of judgement, so why do people willingly choose against living in heaven? Being a "good person" does not get you there- being "nice" wont either- I pray everyday that people in my life, people I meet, people I just don't meet by "chance"- I can make a difference in their lives- God wants us to be His hands and feet- to do GOOD WORKS--- this world is filled with so much hate, violence, and lack of GOD---that people will die without having known His grace and mercy-- death or life? It is a choice to make....and I hope one day everyone will choose life---cause it does continue after this---I love you all!

Now baby update----

Drum roll please..........ok still nothing! I am having a hard time finding when I actually ovulate- The days between periods has varied so much since June- I have went 32 days, then 47, then 32, then 38, and now I am on day 40 something again, I did take a test the other day and still nothing...I have no clue?? So I just keep trying, and trust that God's time is better then my time and my deadline...LOL I am hoping that 08 brings that little bundle of joy, and if not...that means I am needed somewhere for bigger plans........

I hope all of you have a Happy and Blessed New Year- one of love, compassion, joy, peace, understanding, and prosperity---

Be BLESSED!

Love you all!

How is everyone...

2007-12-05T13:00:00.000-05:00

How is everyone doing? Happy Holiday's to all! It has been an exciting year---would'nt you say? I know that we have had our ups and downs- but looking back on the not so good things - they really don't seem as bad as I thought at the time--- if that makes any sense---

Well a day before Thanksgiving I took 4 pregnancy tests---all of which said POSITIVE---I could not believe it because the lines on the test where so very faint- but 3 brands and 4 tests later it still showed a positive test--- I told DJ about it- and we were both a bit hesitant to believe it- but I really felt pregnant and in all previous pregnancies I had no doubt that I was---on Thanksgiving night my worst fear---I started---I am assuming I was pregnant- but they say 4 out 5 woman are pregnant and mis-carry with never knowing it- being that we are tracking everything so carefully- it was probably one of those things-- we are content in believing that God will let it happen when HE is ready if ever he is- maybe this is not in His plans anyway- all we can do is pray and try--so..???

Work is going good- learning a lot of new things- so busy with end of the year things coming- and trying to get organized- I am thankful to have the opportunity to learn new things--and many thanks to my boss for believing in me enough to give me the opportunity to learn and grow---although it is hard work and dedication---

Christmas is fast approaching and I will be seeing a lot of you soon- I can not wait to spend time with the family--and celebrate- family- but most of all the birth of CHRIST----

Love ya all--
Keep on praying---maybe soon there will be new baby news----
Love
~me~

Happy Birhday to Kayla.....

2007-11-06T10:59:00.000-05:00

So I have been told - I need to update more often!!!

Things have been pretty busy and exciting- no news on baby to be yet! But we made great strides in narrowing ovulation days in- so maybe this month??? We will have to wait and see!
I got the ovulation kits they offer now- where there is about 7 sticks to a box- you use one a day- and when you have a surge of LCH(I think that is what it is)- it will let you know- and when you get that surge- you will ovulate within 24-48 hours from that time- I was predicted my times wrong- so now I think we have a better idea-

We figure when God is ready - then we will be too-

So many new things have been going on- a new church- which has been a really exciting adventure- a brand new walk- and a direction for both DJ and I and our family-

I could go on and on about it- but the facts are simply- got placed us there, He has opened our eyes and our hearts to new things- to new people- we feel so comfortable there and enjoy it very much---- we can NOT wait to see what God has in store for us and our family in coming months and even years- HE is truly working in our lives- like never before!!

DJ and I are thinking about even getting re-baptized- considering for us we have no made that commitment as adults- and both of us have slide aways from God since our original baptism- mine was at age 16 and I don't remember including God in my life at all at that time and age following that- not for a while anyway- so we will see- and hopefully can post some pictures of it when we do it-

My little brother will be getting married here in a less then 2 weeks- so that has been a focus recently as well- I don't think I will believe it until I am actually there- then I will probably ball like a baby- he is my heart- and love him dearly- his is one person who has ALWAYS been there for me- through good and bad----- I can't say how important that word ALWAYS is- and has been to me- can not find a lot of people like that these days- sometimes even within your own family-- love ya Brad-

Speaking of children- my oldest daughter- and baby- turned 13 yesterday- Wow- I am a mother of a 13 year old girl- a teenager!! That is scary- but thank the Lord- so far I have been blessed with a wonderful daughter who is seeking God in her life- and she has not messed up to bad ....YET--- she got a guitar for her birthday- now we need someone to teach her how to play-She wants to "rock out"- but can not strum a note--- kinda funny- but cute!
She started cheer leading for basketball season- so that should be interesting- and suppose to pick softball practice sometime soon with the high school softball coach- we are currently working on getting her grades up-

Bailey and Sam are just doing what they do- Sam is a straight A student and just well behaved all the way around- have no issues with her what so ever- Bailey is growing and learning every day- she makes me smile all the time- she is my little jokster- just like her mama- she is really doing good in math and reading- and seems to enjoy school a lot!!

DJ is still plugging away at some of the same projects he has been assigned to as Whirlpool- we are hoping for some change still- but he needs to see these projects to completion before that can happen-

I am still doing payroll, and have taken on a few other small thing- new employee orientations and so on- the atmosphere at work is getting better- been a bit strained- but been praying on it-

I ask that everyone keep some things in there prayers for us-
the house situation still is not settled, so we are praying for that- DJ's work- my work- and the issues that surround both of those- the BABY situation- and just for our walk in general- that we continue to seek God in all we do!!!

Happy Monday!

2007-09-24T14:05:00.000-04:00

HAPPY MONDAY!

Hey everyone!!

I am officially "still trying" if you know what I mean! God is really waiting for the right time, on HIS time and not ours- we can have goals, and wants...but he knows how to make you see that it is on HIS time and terms- so we just keep trying, and leave the rest to him!!!

Almost entering October- wow- these months are flying by. The leaves are changing colors, the nights are cooler. Seems like the summer just flew by right before my eyes. Concentrating on work at the house, and with DJ traveling, us both working, and the girls activities, it just seemed to be a restless summer- we look forward to hopefully taking a vacation next year sometime- at least being able to take time off together- I can't wait for a little R&R-

Dj is off in Vegas until Thursday evening, and I am not sure of any upcoming trips after that, but that can change at a drop of a hat. He has a busy October planned already, and work is steady. He did meet with Fred who is the owner of the company, and said he had some things for him in the future that sounds promising. But first, he needs to wrap up the projects he is currently on. Keep praying for that!! We look forward to the changes, and pray God takes control of that situation.

My job, is going well- I enjoy it! I have been bogged with my own personal issues lately- and struggling to find peace and understanding in it- but I have great family and friends who have been listening and supporting me- and understanding my personal struggle- other then that- I love it! I love being 5 minutes from my kids- if I have to work- it is good to be close-I love having the weekends with my family- I love the people I work with and for-

The girls- school is moving right along. The girls seem to be adjusting to the 6:30 morning call to "WAKE UP"- Kayla is getting a lit bit harder to get up in the mornings the older she gets, so that is frustrating at times- especially when I leave before them- I can't have that watchful eye over them-

Please keep praying- and thanks for the many comments, emails, prayers I have received from everyone- it means so much!!!

Keepin livin- and lovin...:)

Love ya all-

Been a while....

2007-09-05T08:19:00.000-04:00

Hey Everyone..It has been a while!
So here is the latest going on in my life-

School started yesterday for the girls, the years seem to be passing by before my eyes. Can you believe on year from now I will be the mother of a high school student? That just seems crazy, and blows my mind! Kayla entered the 8th grade yesterday, Sam the "big" middle school in 6th, and Bailey in 2nd. The older I get the faster the days seem to go by. The girls have adjusted well in the last year with changing schools and making new friends. Kayla is still very active in softball, and might have the chance to work with the high school coach this winter, to practice on her pitching. He scouted her at the park this summer, and said he would like to work with her. So that was exciting and we hope that actually happens. Sam is in gymnastics, and really enjoys flipping and flopping around. Now she has gotten Bailey interested and Bailey started last week. AWANA at our church starts tonight, and Sam and Bailey both are a part of that as well. Bailey is more reluctant to go, but seems to want to do whatever Sam does.

Dj has been doing a lot of traveling. I don't mind so much, cause he enjoys it and I know he likes to see different places. It makes him happy, so it makes me happy. Plus, it does give us a little extra money. Right now he is in Paris, California. Only 3 days there, but it is a part of the country he hasn't seen. He said not much green where he is at. His job is looking better- hopefully more opportunity in the near future to do new things and get a little bit better pay- Please keep praying for that. We have been trying to be patient with his work for the last year- he is more patient then I, however he keeps me calm and patient when I need to be! :)

Now me! Well, nothing really new on the baby situation. I am afraid if it doesn't happen soon, I may change my mind. I see the girls getting older and starting over sometimes seems like it would be a huge challenge. I don't want the girls to be so much older then them- I am just hoping within the next year it happens- or I may change my mind..:) I thought it might have been a possibility this month, but we were sadly disappointed. I am late for my period by almost 9 or so days. I took a test on Labor Day and it came out negative, and had taken one about a week before and that was also negative. Both were "good" tests, and say they give accurate results 5 days before a missed period. It is very unusual for me to miss- so this is a bit confusing for me. I don't know if I am just stressed about the house, and with kids starting school, and so on? So I think my system is all out of whack or something right now, so it could be a while before I figure it all out, when I am ovulating, when my next period will come, all that- so we will see? Why I have not started? I have no clue- I feel I have been under my stress in the past, and always have started my period. I actually can not remember the last time I missed, so that is the weird part. So far- negative tests!!

Work is going good, becoming a bit routine- but don't all jobs? I am hoping to get more responsibility soon. It has been discussed, now just waiting on the action!!

The house- well that is yet to be figured out. We are hoping are latest efforts in the garage will help with the "floating" floor- if you know what I mean...ugh..I just don't look forward to winter- and another year of flooding in there! The repairs have been the thing to consume us the last year- no time enjoying the perks of being a new home owner- just work, work, work!! Can get a little frustrating when all the efforts prove to be useless thus far! I guess all we can do is keep trying..keep working..maybe one day we will get a break and be able to relax!!

Love ya all-

Nothing new...

2007-08-02T11:34:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone..it has been a while! Not sure who is coming to read my blogs, many of you are sending emails to me directly, so it is hard to tell!
Nothing new on baby front. I have been thinking about trying to start and chart my temperature everyday. I guess they say that can help pin point exactly when you are ovulating, or there abouts anyway. I did not realize how amazingly hard it is to actually get pregnant! How in the world did I get pregnant three times prior without planning?? Did you know that there is only like a two day period each month that a woman can get pregnant? Why didn't I know this...?? :)
I have been doing a lot of reading on ways to increase the chances- and we are hoping this next month it may work. If not- God has a plan, right?
The summer has been pretty busy. Trying to get everything done before winter on the house, trying to spend some time with the kids sense there is no vacation this year, and work. Never enough time or money it seems! Now with school right around the corner, we are hoping to get what we need done before the fall rains or winter snow!
I will keep everyone posted....if you come to read ...leave a comment.. :)

Post Surgery Update...

2007-07-21T19:57:00.001-04:00

So it has been almost 4 weeks since my surgery. Everything has healed nicely. I couldn't of asked for a better doctor. He was awesome! He said to wait about 3 weeks before we started trying, so I guess we have made that deadline. Doctor says we have about a 76% chance. With my age and the type of tubal I had done 8 years ago. He was able to repair the tubes somewhat. He said you needed about 7mm(I think) of tube to get pregnant. Mine were about 7 on one side and 7.5 on the other. They use a dye to make sure the tubes are open again, and according to doc he said everything looked good. Of corse nothing is guaranteed and we are leaving it in God's hands now. Other then that, I have been doing well. Really sore for the first few days after, could hardly stand up straight, but it was definitely worth it. We are hoping to be pregnant by September. We will see if that works out or not....

Thanks Aunt Pat & Uncle Bill. You are right- I am always full of surprises. I do love and miss you both. Thanks to everyone who continues to read my blog and leave encouraging comments. It strengthens me! I hope that in some way I can strengthen you!

Love you all!
Teresa

THE BEGINING

2007-07-20T07:24:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! I thought this would be a great way to keep everyone updated on my new adventure. I should of started this a while back.

Some of you may or may not know that about 8 years I had a tubal ligation after I had Bailey. My life had been a mess and complete struggle up until that point. At that time I really thought I did not want anymore children.

Without rehashing my whole past, those of you close to me know about it. After my divorce I really went through some life changing things.

God had come into my life, changed my heart, changed my attitude, and gave me strength when I thought I was down for the last time. He has truly blessed my life.

I have found my husband DJ, who is not only my husband, but my best friend as well. God moved my life in other directions as well, giving me job opportunities, a new house, I could go on and on.

For the past year and a half we have really been praying about our possibilities to have another child. DJ does not have any, and we both really want to be able to have that chance. We started looking into tubal reversal, I didn't even know it was possible! After months of searching, we thought we had found a doctor in North Carolina, but then there was the added cost of traveling down there, taking more time off work. Nothing seemed feasible. I started looking to trying to get a personal loan, get it financed. But with the new purchase of a home, and a car note. It just didn't seem to work out. I had a goal to get this done by the time I was 30, you know the age thing starts getting to me...ha ha. We really just didn't know if or how this would be possible, it just didn't seem as though we were going to be able to afford it.

About 6 months ago, just searching around on the Internet, I saw someone who wrote a blog about a Dr. Streeter. So I looked him up and sure enough, there he was. He practiced in Merriville, IN, which is only about 90 minutes away. I was so excited, but then thought about the same thing that had broken me down before. How was I going to pay for it?
The cost was $4900.00, the cheapest I had found. Most places that specialize run about 5900+ travel or more. There are fertility clinics that do it, but they will run all the way into the 10,0000 dollar range. So this was a breakthrough!! Sitting here at work, we had a meeting on our insurance and medical reimbursement. A co-worker told me, wont that pay for the surgery you want? I looked probably shocked and excited and was quick to investigate to find out. Sure enough, it did. We are allowed to take up to 5200.00 dollars to pay for medical services normally not covered under insurance. The surgery was 4900, so hey how more perfect could GOD get it???? He really had a plan all along, I turned 30 in March. No, I didn't have it before 30. But on June 22, 2007, I was blessed to be able to have it done! This blog will be a personal journey about the ups and downs of it all.

I figured this would be a good way to keep everyone updated on what is going on. I hope you look forward to it, as much as I do!!

Teresa